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When a heartbeat makes everything okay

Today’s one-word daily prompt is blanket. 

At first, I did not really know what to write so I read a few of the other entries and as I was browsing through the entries and even reading some of them, a thought suddenly entered my mind: I feel safe when I am underneath a blanket.

Usually, I do not really enjoy sitting underneath a blanket. I’d rather wear a warm onesie or something. I do not really like the feeling of a blanket wrapped around me because there is always a part of my body which is not covered and that annoys me. Big time.

I used to have a very sweet boyfriend and when I used to sleep over at his or when he slept over at my place I always really liked to cuddle up close underneath a blanket. And then I mean: fully covered from head to toe. He never understood why it made me feel so safe to be completely covered by that blanket, while he was not(I mean, who doesn’t love to crawl underneath a blanket when going to sleep). He always kept his head and shoulders above the blanket.
But, it was warm and I could hear his heartbeat and that was all that mattered to me in those moments. Those were the few moments I could really let go of the war which was (and still is) raging inside of me. I never told him. Maybe I should have.
Unfortunately we broke up and I can say that a lot of good things happened to me since, but I do not feel as happy as I should, I think. He is the first person I have ever, truly loved and he is still my best friend even though we do not really talk to each other anymore.
I do really miss that safe feeling of being protected and always having someone to talk to when things seem to go wrong. As someone with anxiety and a depression it can be very hard to find people you can really talk to without holding back.
Even though I do have loads of very sweet friends, a sweet sister and loving parents I still feel lonely because I feel as if I bother them every time I try to talk to them, so I can’t really let go of things and I feel like I have to deal with them all on my own.
I hope to find someone I can talk to again someday.

I remember covering myself in no less than 7 blankets the evening after we broke up because it made me feel safe. I felt so sad, so lonely and so hurt that I buried myself in a thick layer of blankets, afraid of what was coming when I woke up. It was almost like a defense layer from all of the things going on, inside and out.

So the word ”blanket” reminds me of  good, safe moments in the relationship I had with my (ex-)boyfriend. Which is a good thing because breaking up does not always mean that something went horribly wrong. Sometimes you have to let go of the people you love the most in order to let them become a better person, to let them develop themselves even more and to let them discover who they really are. No matter how much  that might hurt. Like Passenger said: ”Only when you love him/her you can let him/her go.”

I hope you all have that one person you can talk to without holding back anything and if you don’t then I hope you will find him/her very soon because you all deserve that kind of buddy by your side.
Hopefully I made some of you feel less lonely by writing out this little story of mine.

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Thank you so much for reading and I wish you all the best!

Lots of love,

SweetHandlettering

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6 thoughts on “When a heartbeat makes everything okay

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