That title describes me.
And it is not something I am proud of.
The need to be in control of everything is very tiring because when I am not in control or when I do not feel like I know what the conversation is about: I panic. I get panic attacks because I do not know what is coming and I do not have a solution ready for every possible situation.
I like to be in control because it gives me the feeling of safety. I like to be in control because I fear that if I let go of control I lose everything I work so hard for. I fear that I loose everything and everyone I love because I won’t be able so save the situation or I fear that when I don’t know what is going on in a loved one’s life that I will be unable to help them when they ask me for it. And as a result my whole life will crumble upon me.
This fear of getting a panic attack is enough to make me over think literally e-ve-ry-thing. Every little detail of an event, every little detail of conversations get played over and over in my mind.
And it is exhausting. It does not stop, not even when I go to sleep. It even continhes in my dreams.
I am willing to change this. Or at least learn how to handle this because it is literally taking over every little aspect of who I am and I don’t like it.
At the moment I am working on it together with my psychologist and I know that it will be hard to change this. I know that it will take a while and that there will be bumps in the road because I have to let go of the situation I have been in pretty much my whole life. I cannot remember when I was someone who did not need to be in control all the time.
When I saw today’s one-word prompt I was thinking: That’s me. That word described me.
And words just started to type themselves.
At this very moment I am simultaneously thinking about what others will think of me when I write this down. Will they think that I’m stupid? Overreacting? Will they think that I am writing this just to get attention?
Well, I am not. I just want to share my little stories because I know from my own experience that it might help to read about someone who experiences the same feelings or things as you do. So, I hope that I make someone feel less lonely with this little story today.
I hope you liked it,
Lots of love,