30DayBlogChallengeNL · about SweetHandlettering · blog · music

I am TEMPORARY.

And then, there was a silence. A deafening silence inside my head. (which are rare)
A deafening silence which said everything and nothing.
This is how I feel.
Temporary.
Not important enough.
Not important enough to be fought for.
Replaced, abandoned, alone.
I am temporary.

I’ve been replaced and abandoned by people I love so many times that I started to believe that I will never find someone who will fight for me just as hard as I fight for him.
It feels as if what I came here to do is to show people the way out of their dark holes into the light again and remain in the dark myself. No hand to hold, no person who will hold me when I feel like giving up. They will always leave me when they’re okay again, they will leave me when I think that I can open up about the storm inside.
They will leave.
Replace me with someone who doesn’t have any (mental)problems. Who is better, more interesting, prettier, more beautiful, smarter, heck even sexier.

I am temporary. Nothing more.

As I am writing this, I am sitting among my fellow students in a big room. And among the other 100 students here, I feel lonely. So lonely.
I should be paying attention to the lecture but I simply can’t. My head is stuffed with a million things and at the same time with nothing.
A million fears, a million tears, a million cries for help. All never to be said or cried in company of someone else. Always alone.
Because, there is no one who makes me feel comfortable enough to let my guard down.
Well, there once was. But that person left me once I tried to open up. So why should I bother? Nobody cares.
They’ll replace me.
I am temporary.
Only there to radiate and get drained (like Ed Sheeran sung in his song, I’ll post it down below. I know he says ”before saving someone else, I have to save myself” But I think that even when I save myself and my mental problems are as good as over, no one will ever fight for me because of who I am). Only there to help others and never to receive the same help.
Who fights for me?
No one, because I am only temporary. Why bother helping someone you will leave behind again, right?
Why bother?
Yeah,

I am temporary.

That’s me:

Temporary.

Not a very happy post today, I am sorry.  But I am not happy, that is for sure.
I almost cried when reading today’s one-word prompt because that is how I’ve been feeling for the past few years. But crying in a room full of other people is a bit strange, so I held it in.
I hope you never experience this feeling because it is a feeling which is not easy to talk about. It is a fear that makes you feel like a useless piece of sh*t.
I don’t think I’ll be able to love someone again like I did once. I’ve been scarred too much, I think. But I do hope you’ll find someone who will fight for you, who loves you, listens to you, holds you when you’re at your lowest point and doesn’t leave you. Ever.
I truly hope you will because you deserve this.
Know that it means a lot to me that you read this and I hope you are feeling fine.

I do want to say that I have very loving parents and I know that they will never abandon me. The thing here is just that your parents can only help you to a certain extent. They love me very much and I know that and they are not contributing to this feeling of lonelyness. Hi dad! Hih mum! I love you! Thank you for being there.

Lots of love,

SweetHandlettering

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11 thoughts on “I am TEMPORARY.

    1. I am happy that you think that you should value yourself. It is indeed very important.
      For me, however, it is not so easy. Every time I have a bit of confidence, every time I think: I’m okay and I will find someone again, something slams me down on the ground again and It gets harder to get up each time.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. this is so deeply sad … sorry …. we have a very different outlook … I have never felt my happiness depends on others! I love others and interacting, just see my blog. And I appreciate any opportunity to help others and see it as a good sign of healing when they move on. I have close friends who would listen but I prefer to be alone to go within.

    Every single living being is most precious and until you love yourself how can another?

    Like

    1. yeah, it is sad. But on the inside I feel like this and I want to raise awareness about mental illnesses and problems people can deal with. I’m sure I am not the only one who feels like this. My happiness doesn’t depend on others because I have loads of things that make me happy. The thing is that being alone all the time is not something that makes me happy. Most of the time I enjoy being alone in my room, behind my desk and drawing. But seeing my friends having fun together and not even asking me along that is not very nice. Loving someone with everything you have, doing everything you can do keep someone alive (literally) and when you fall apart, that person leaves you. That is not something that you get over very quickly. And those things have happened too many times already which makes me feel like the person who is always replaced for someone better.

      1. you missed my point … you are better, more beautiful … it is their loss … I am sure losing anyone you care for is a tough number but keep being you!

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  2. Great goods from you, man. I have understand your stuff previous to and you are just too fantastic. I actually like what you have acquired here, certainly like what you are saying and the way in which you say it. You make it enjoyable and you still take care of to keep it sensible. I can not wait to read far more from you. This is really a terrific web site.

    Like

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