And then, there was a silence. A deafening silence inside my head. (which are rare)
A deafening silence which said everything and nothing.
This is how I feel.
Not important enough.
Not important enough to be fought for.
Replaced, abandoned, alone.
I am temporary.
I’ve been replaced and abandoned by people I love so many times that I started to believe that I will never find someone who will fight for me just as hard as I fight for him.
It feels as if what I came here to do is to show people the way out of their dark holes into the light again and remain in the dark myself. No hand to hold, no person who will hold me when I feel like giving up. They will always leave me when they’re okay again, they will leave me when I think that I can open up about the storm inside.
They will leave.
Replace me with someone who doesn’t have any (mental)problems. Who is better, more interesting, prettier, more beautiful, smarter, heck even sexier.
I am temporary. Nothing more.
As I am writing this, I am sitting among my fellow students in a big room. And among the other 100 students here, I feel lonely. So lonely.
I should be paying attention to the lecture but I simply can’t. My head is stuffed with a million things and at the same time with nothing.
A million fears, a million tears, a million cries for help. All never to be said or cried in company of someone else. Always alone.
Because, there is no one who makes me feel comfortable enough to let my guard down.
Well, there once was. But that person left me once I tried to open up. So why should I bother? Nobody cares.
They’ll replace me.
I am temporary.
Only there to radiate and get drained (like Ed Sheeran sung in his song, I’ll post it down below. I know he says ”before saving someone else, I have to save myself” But I think that even when I save myself and my mental problems are as good as over, no one will ever fight for me because of who I am). Only there to help others and never to receive the same help.
Who fights for me?
No one, because I am only temporary. Why bother helping someone you will leave behind again, right?
I am temporary.
Not a very happy post today, I am sorry. But I am not happy, that is for sure.
I almost cried when reading today’s one-word prompt because that is how I’ve been feeling for the past few years. But crying in a room full of other people is a bit strange, so I held it in.
I hope you never experience this feeling because it is a feeling which is not easy to talk about. It is a fear that makes you feel like a useless piece of sh*t.
I don’t think I’ll be able to love someone again like I did once. I’ve been scarred too much, I think. But I do hope you’ll find someone who will fight for you, who loves you, listens to you, holds you when you’re at your lowest point and doesn’t leave you. Ever.
I truly hope you will because you deserve this.
Know that it means a lot to me that you read this and I hope you are feeling fine.
I do want to say that I have very loving parents and I know that they will never abandon me. The thing here is just that your parents can only help you to a certain extent. They love me very much and I know that and they are not contributing to this feeling of lonelyness. Hi dad! Hih mum! I love you! Thank you for being there.
Lots of love,