Today is quit a rough day over here.
I have to study a fair amount of notes and texts for my exams which will start next week.
And I am terrified.
I know I can do it and everything has been going well in the past days. But last evening everything went downhill again and now I cannot seem to do anything right.
It feels so daunting, as if I’ve already used up my portion of happiness for this week.
As if something took the happy flow I was in with quite some force.
For the past three days I was happy and I was able to concentrate on the good things in life and I was ably to study well. Everything was going great.
Only, now I’m sitting here. Cuddled up with the teddybear who saved me quite some times already. (the picture above is the actual bear.)
I know that Pom (that is what he is called and yes it is a he) was given to me by my ex-boyfriend and I do not hug it close because I miss him, even though people might think so. I hug this bear close because it reminds me that I am not alone and because it has become a habit. The feeling of that particular bear cuddled close to my chest calms me down. It still feels as if there will always be someone out there who is ready to help when the need is high and all I need to do is ask.
When I first got Pom I used to hug him whenever I missed my boyfriend, so it felt as if he was there. But as time grew, I started to hug it whenever I felt like hurting myself and whenever I felt like I did not want to eat anymore or live anymore and Pom took those feelings away… A teddybear does not ask, a teddybear simply cuddles and most of the time that is all I need.
Whenever I hug that little fellower I can let the tears flow over my cheeks and let the destroying feeling go. And as stupid as it sounds, sometimes I even talk to it. Simple sentences like ”I cannot do this anymore” and to me, it feels as if my bear just somehow absorbs that and takes it away from me.
I know it might sound stupid and childish for a 20 year old young woman to hug a bear she got from her ex-boyfriend and talk to it when she feels bad. But I actually do not care about the people who think that.
This little stuffed plushie saved me from damaging myself so many times and it has become so valuable to me, that I do not care about anyone’s opinion. Pom is my bear and if something works it ain’t stupid so I’m keeping him close at all costs, no matter what anyone ever says.
I am glad I got that off my chest. I’ve noticed that writing posts helps me deal with it all, it makes me feel less lonely out here. Reading other’s posts also makes me smile quite a lot, even though I have not had much time to do that lately.
I think I will just grab something nice to eat now and try to study. My head feels cleared up right now and I can conquer it all again. These demons will not get me down!
Oh and let me tell you the latest news about my modelling contest!
I was sent an email in which they told me which things I had to bring to the finale this Saturday, like fake lashes, white sneakers and summer shoes. I bought some pretty new white shoes and a new perfectly comfortable bra yesterday!
Today we got an email in which they asked us to send them some information about ourselves because they are going to write little articles about us!
It is all very exciting and I cannot wait until it is Saturday.
The only thing is, I wanted to try and walk in my new shoes….oops I forgot that new shoes + warm weather creates blisters! And now I’ve got a blister the size of a mentos on my heel! And it’s open (.. do you say it like that? ”open blister”? If you know how you call it when you keep on walking while having a blister and it pops open, let me know.) It hurts like hell, you know. Let me know if you’ve got any tips on how to make it hurt less, I would appreciate that a lot.
The magazine that organized the whole thing is Chapeau Magazine, together with modelling agency Sessibon and clothing store Berden!
Hopefully I did not make you feel sad with my depression today because I only want to talk about it so more people become aware, understand and accept mental illnesses more. And with that, the sometimes weird solutions we depressed people create for ourselves, like hugging a bear ;). I just really want to help those who feel like this too and hopefully I make people feel less lonely by writing about it.
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If you have any questions or when you just want to let me know something, you can leave a message down below!
Thanks for reading today!
Lots of Love,
Nothing with a special message today. Just that I like this song and it made me feel more relaxed.