At this moment, while I am writing this, my mind is in a state of total destruction. Tears are running feverishly across my warm, red cheeks.
It doesn’t know how to think straight, it doesn’t know what to do and this is all due to the face that I feel left out.
I feel like I do not fit in anywhere and that people do not like me wherever I go. They ignore me and do not care about me.
I think that I’ve only got one friend left who doesn’t give up on me, one dear friend who I can tell everything. The rest has abandoned me and left me to drown in my own tears. Nobody cares. No matter how many ”cute” pictures or heart emoji’s they send me, I never believe it because whenever everything seems to go well they all go back to leaving me alone again.
No one ever asks me to go out, no one ever asks me to go shopping, no one ever asks me if I want to come over and every time I come up with an idea myself, everyone cancels at the last minute and once again, I’m left alone.
I would love to be held close now. I do not care by who as long as just someone comes in, pulls me close and saves me from myself because this time, my bear isn’t going to save me.
This time I’m beyond being able to help myself.
Everything literally hurts just because my mind doesn’t want to on anymore and there is a battle going on inside about what I must do: Damage myself. Or not.
Because man, I would like to and it is such a battle to go on writing these words.
I did it once… Or twice… damage myself I mean. And I know that it sounds scary, but it actually helped. To me, it felt like I wore on the outside what I felt like on the inside:
Hurt, damaged, torn.
It felt as if I finally found a way to express myself. To be honest, the only thing stopping me from doing it is that I don’t want to get stared at tomorrow.
I do not know who to ask for help right now, because the only people I feel who are willing to help me, are too far away to actually be able to do something.
There is one person who lives close enough but I’m afraid to ask that person for help.
Damnit, I just want to be held by someone. They don’t even need to say something, just hold me very tight and let me cry for a minute. I just want to be able to cave in for a moment and let go of all the anger, hurt, damage, sadness and pain. Afterwards maybe have some hot chocolate or some plain tea to calm me down again.
Is that too much to ask for?
I want to scream at the people who made me feel this way. I want to make them aware of what they actually did even though they probably did this without being aware of it.
Lots of Love,
This is applicable today I guess.