Hello my friends!
Some time, no article. Well I was so busy with writing an essay that I had other things on my mind and just forgot to write an article last Wednesday.
Good news: the essay is done and submitted long before the deadline! Something I usually really struggle with. I always submit things in the last few minutes because I am scared that I forgot something or that it’s not good enough to get a passing grade.
Oh well. We’ll see if this essay is good enough to get a passing grade. I worked really hard and I am proud of it so I really hope so.
When I started to write my essay I had been postponing it for two weeks already simply because I did not know where to start. When I finally sat down to succumb to the assignment and just write it, I had almost no difficulties and it was done in three days. All in all, I think I spend a good 8 hours on writing it and another 2 hours in dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s.
Lately I have been very concerned about my weight. And yes I can already hear everyone screaming: But you’re so thin! But you’re so beautiful!
And yes, my common-sense-mind knows that. My common-sense-mind looks into the mirror and says: Dang gurl you look good today! Even without makeup and in my pajamas.
But then there is that little voice. That little voice telling me: But your legs are huge. You have cellulite. You’re belly is not flat enough. Your arms look floppy. You have a double chin. And most of all your ass is HUGE.
I have been working out and trying to cut down on my calories.
But you know what? It doesn’t feel good. It does not feel good to listen to that little voice at all. 1500 kcal a day is simply not enough. Working out 4 times a week takes up so much time and gives me so much muscle ache. Let’s also not forget the mental exhaustion it all brings me on top of it all.
So what I’ve been doing for the last few weeks is trying to find the ”happy medium” between the two voices inside my head. I have been eating between 1800 kcal and 2000 kcal, which makes me feel a lot better! I go to the gym once or twice a week, take one yoga class and go dance with my friends for like an hour and a half.
I can see that my body is changing. It is taking on muscles and getting rid of fat. Which silences my you-are-fat-voice. But I also feel good. I am not hungry and I do not have the feeling that I am being insane. Which silences my common-sense-voice.
Like I always say: You do not have to fight the mean demons inside your head, like my you-are-fat-voice. You can work with them and accept that they’re part of you and once you’ve done that you can find a way to (maybe) eventually get them out of your head. Even if they will never go away: they’re part of you. Try to accept them and work with them instead of against them. It costs so much more energy to fight than it does to sit down and talk, right? Same goes for accepting or fighting against the dark thoughts inside your head.
I am beautiful the way I am. No, there is nothing wrong with working out because it makes you healthy, makes your mental health healthier and hey I enjoy it too. Something I did not do when the working out was all about the being thin and shredding fat.Like Hailee Steinfeld sings: It’s okay if you wanna change the body that you came in.
Nothing wrong with that.
Another tip I can leave you is: STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS. You’re you. Not the model on the billboard.
For me, this meant that I had to stop comparing myself to the beautiful kpop Idols I adore so much. Man, they are gorgeous, thin, lean… I’d give everything to be like them.
But I am not. And you know why? Because I am me. Not them.
Yes, Kim Kibum from SHINee is gorgeous. Yes, Doutzen Kroes is beautiful. Yes, Lisa from Blackpink is stunning. Yes, of my friends are prettier than I am. But I am also gorgeous, beautiful and stunning in my own way, even though I don’t always see that in the mirror.
You know what?…being me is the best thing I have ever wanted to be.
Thank you so much for reading! Don’t forget to check out my social media pages 🙂 I would appreciate it a lot!
Oh and ps: yes that’s me in the picture! Shout out to the amazing photographer Renee Leenders! Thank you. I learned so much!
Lots of love,
Here is the Hailee Steinfeld song I talked about. It’s so empowering!