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Locked up

Test week is over.
That does not mean that my depressive and anxious feelings are.
On the contrary, they are even worse than they were before.

Yesterday, I caved. My whole world came crumbling down on me and I felt like screaming at the top of my lungs out of anger and depression. My depression can sometimes feel like a prison. Like a cage. Something is prohibiting me from moving on and is forcing me to sit down in a dark, black room until I cave in. For weeks I can fight the feeling and act as if I am quite okay, but at some point I lose it. At some point I will be crying my eyes out trying so hard not to hurt myself. (I didn’t y’all. Don’t worry. I’m okay.) When I am in this state of mind everything I think feels dubious. I don’t trust myself and I talk myself down all the time.
I’ve had help with this but I don’t think it will be something that will leave me alone at some point. I think my depression will always be present.

Deadlines are killing me, holidays are coming closer, as is 2018 and my birthday… and to be honest? I wish them all to be over already. At this point I want to be left alone but at the same time I want to have a gazillion people around me.
I feel lonely, not in the sense that I have no friends or that nobody likes me. I have friends, alright and people tell me I am kind and such. There is just nobody who will hold me and let me cry. There is nobody who asks me how my day went and if I’m okay. Nobody to take care of me when I cannot take care of myself. Nobody to cheer me on when I feel like staying in bed all day or tells me to eat when I starve myself. I just feel lonely on a deeper level than ”having friends”.

All I really want is someone who goes to the extent of asking me how my day went for once. All I ask for is that someone who will come and pick me up from the ground when I am at my absolute low and feel like giving up on life. Someone who tells me that it’s okay not to be okay when I forget it myself.

I am just so tired of doing it alone.

Sorry for this shitpost but I just has to drop it somewhere. I also just think that when more people speak up about how they feel the taboo around this will crumble more with each word. Yeah, some people might think that I am just hungry for attention or that I want to be special. But I have just a few words for those people: Get lost.
I don’t do it for the attention and I don’t want to be special. In fact, I want to be like everyone else.  I do it because I want to help the world understand that mental illnesses are not something you can just solve with ”take a bath” or ”go to sleep early” and if you think that it is just for the attention then keep on thinking that: keep on being narrow-minded.
Not everyone with a mental illness keeps it hidden. Nobody with a mental illness is the same just like no broken bone breaks in the same way, or like no person in general is the same. Every person is different and every person with a mental difficulty handles it differently. I simply handle mine by talking about it.

Anyway, have a nice day! Don’t forget to check out my instagram page. I would really appreciate it if you did!
Also, if there is a story you want to share with me you can always contact me. I would love to listen and help in any way I can.

Lots of love,


~music corner~
Do you guys know Pentatonix? Their former member Avi (Avriel) formed his own group and I really enjoy their music! (credits to a really good friend who introduced me to them 🙂 )


3 thoughts on “Locked up

  1. Hey girl, I’m looking for better days some times too! I’m still writing my midterms (and will be until the week before finals start), I continuously wonder whether I am wasting my time sitting in a desk (an activity which I hate, necessitated by the career I already know I love), and I definitely have days where I full on fall apart because my toast is burnt or because the floor is too cold for me to get out of bed.

    We each have our unique experience and our own lens that we look through. I relate to self criticism and lacking self confidence as well as acute feelings of loneliness at times (which I’ve written about on my own blog, and no it is not attention seeking to talk about mental illness!). There are days where I think I want more or better friends (which is honestly something I am working towards) and days where I just need “man-cuddles”, but I don’t have a man in my life and I likely won’t for a long time. Those days can suck. I also have to check myself though because I don’t just want any friends or any man, I want people in those positions that I can contribute back to and love and that aren’t just there because they’re trying to save me. There are also weeks at a time where I run at life full tilt and other weeks where I drag myself to the bus stop with seconds to spare and sit in class without listening to a word that the professor says. This is my personal experience and there are tiny choices I make everyday that no one sees which sometimes seems monumental.

    We are not the same, our experiences are not the same, but at the same time you are not alone. In my journey I have found certain things that help and it sounds like you have somewhat as well–don’t forget to reach back out to those things. Yes, some things in life we will carry forever–but it is amazing sometimes, where freedom can be found.

    Liked by 1 person

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