Just 19 days until Christmas.
2017 is almost over!
Have you done some good this year? Have you carried out your 2017 resolutions?
Well I haven’t! But that’s the same for almost everyone each year isn’t it?

I know that for most people Christmas is a happy time and a lot of people talk about which pretty dress they want to wear and who they are going to visit when or which Christmas is party to attend.
Nothing wrong with that. I just wanted to pay some attention to the people who do not look forward to the holidays at all.
Like me.
I just feel lonely. I know that there won’t be anyone special for me to give a gift to and there won’t be anyone calling me pretty and that makes me really sad.
I just wish I has someone to love too. Of course I know that my family loves me and that my grandparents will be beyond happy to see me and that both my grandmothers will say that I am a beautiful young lady. And believe me when I say that I feel blessed to have so many people around me that love me even when I am hard to deal with and that I feel blessed to have all my grandparents to visit during Christmas.

Still. There is that lingering hollow feeling of loneliness that even the tightest hug from mom, dad, grandparents or sisters cannot fill.
Now, I have been feeling this kind of lonely for a long time and honestly? I don’t think that that hole will ever be filled up for the simple reason that I am scared.
I am too scared to let anyone in. I won’t let anyone get close, afraid of getting hurt and getting played with again. My plans for the future literally consist of: Getting a degree, finding a high paying job, work my ass off so I can buy an expensive apartment and then make one room into a walk in closet.
No one else besides me.
And that is not because I am supposedly ‘done’ with dating, because if I might ever find that person that gives me a home, I will never leave. Trust me, I would love someone who just listens to my unreasonable fears and holds me close when I go through a panic attack or lie down with me on the floor crying whenever my depression pulls me down. I guess that that will just take loads of time and the right person to make me feel less scared of letting anyone in and relocate that stupid fear to the trash bin.

So here is to anyone that do not enjoy the holidays as much. Here is to the people who get shushed when they say they don’t like Christmas because they feel lonely, or of course for any other reason. I am here, I hear you and I am here to tell you that it’s okay. You’re allowed to feel that way. Whatever the reason might be.

I did not write all of this down to receive pity. I wrote it down to get if off my chest. Of course I will have fun this Christmas. I am thankful that I am able to celebrate Christmas with food and presents and that I am able to buy new clothes. Each year I am happy to share dinner with my family and just have a fun night together. Don’t get me wrong. Christmastime is nice. I get to buy everyone a gift and I just love spending time wrapping all of it. I also love getting all fancy and prancing around on my new heels, can’t wait to wear them!

But no matter how much I love the Christmas lights, the Christmas tree, the presents or just the laughter when we tell funny stories during dinner… There is just that dull feeling of loneliness and I just wanted to get rid of that thought. I did not want to deal with it on my own anymore.

I just hope that some day I can also bring someone to dinner at Christmas. Someone who does not play with my feelings, does not lie, is able to handle me and just loves me for the person I am. Not for the way I look in a pretty dress.

Besides that, the only wish I really have is snow! Oh how I love snow! I am really wishing upon every star I see that it will start to snow soon so I can go down the hill with my sled.

I hope you all enjoy your Christmas time and I promise to write something more positive and helpful next time!
Don’t forget to check out my instagram page!

Lots of Love,


~music corner~
Bit of a sad song, but the translation is beautiful and so is the video clip.


6 thoughts on “#deardiary

  1. I can relate so much. I wish for true and passionate love so much but on the other hand I’m so scared. I just need to know that there might be chance this time and I’m fullly panicking and try to retreat asap.

    Liked by 1 person

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