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perfectly imperfect

Hello again!
As usual I have been absent for a while now. Because when have I ever written an article on a regular basis? Right, never.
I am trying to though! It’s just that I am so busy with other things that I sometimes simply do not have the time to do the things I love. Sounds quite sad doesn’t it? Promise promise triple promise that it’s okay 😉

Just now I felt like breaking the radio silence, so here I am!
Last week the new semester started and I really like the courses I am taking so far. I take one on Medieval English Literature, one on second language acquisition, syntax and one about American Music. All very interesting if you ask a language addict like me. I especially liked the lectures on Medieval Literature last week.

I have also been wanting to up my game on my blog and my instagram page because I really love to draw and show it to other people. Especially since my friends tell me they like my posts. Next month I am going to try a 30-day challenge on my instagram. I yet have to decide which challenge I am going to do, but it will be a drawing one for sure. I also want to write more regularly but I am not sure if I want to try and write a novel or just write articles on a regular basis. The ideas for a novel are all inside my head (they especially emerge when I am trying to sleep..uhg) so it shouldn’t be so hard to come up with a topic and writing articles is also very very nice to do since it helps me regulate my thoughts, but also sometimes helps others open up or feel less lonely. What do you think I should do? Let me know in the comments please 🙂

Last month I also started using a bullet journal. It is still quite a mess since I am still trying to find out which templates work for me and which don’t but I will get there. When it is neater I promise to take some pictures and show you sometime.

AH yes! I have also been studying korean again and I am really making progress! I am already able to say hello and goodbye and sentence structures like ” This is A” or ” A is B”.

Even though I’ve been doing really great in school lately I have also been struggling a lot with numerous things. I have been feeling really, really lonely. More than I usually do. I have also been driving myself crazy about eating and feeling fat. But really… I feel huge. Almost too embarrassed to wear anything tight. I just want to hide myself. On top of that a good friend of mine got really angry with me for something I did not do. She doesn’t even want to talk to me to hear me out about what really happened (or at least I experience it that way). I have been trying to distance myself from it but deep inside it hurts me a lot. I just wish there was someone who would like me enough to love me and help me get through it all, and then I really do not care if that person is a he or a she. If I fall in love with someone I just hope that they will support me and are able to break down the walls I have built over the years. I just want to be valued, because I do not value myself.
You could argue that if I really feel so disgusted by that one fat roll I have I should go to the gym, eat healthy and drink lots of water. I am already doing that. It is a mental thing and to be honest I do not know how to get out of it anymore. There is always that scared feeling when I am eating. I cannot enjoy food anymore because I just feel so guilty and then I look at myself in the mirror and see a lady who is fat. Not beautiful. Who is unlovable. Ugly.
No matter how many times people tell me that I am healthy and that I am lovable, I see the fat rolls. I see the wiggly thighs and the fat butt. Not the kind lady or the creative bubbly personality. I do not see the kind smile or the smart young lady who is giving her all.

All I see is the unlovable being that I think and feel I am. Unable of achieving anything.

And that, my friends, is a problem.

 

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