blog · Writing Challenge March 2018

what if…

“What if” is something that’s on the top of my vocabulary list. For today’s challenge prompt I have to write a piece about something I always think “what if” about. Well, that’s pretty much everything. I think “what if” with everything I do, everything I eat, everything I write or make.
Personally, I think my “what if’s” have become my lifestyle. It does have a reason why I think “what if” all the time, though. The reason why I doubt everything I do and feel a constant bit of fear with it is because I have a panic disorder. Now, if you’ve been following my blog for a while you know that I talk about this topic ever so often. But for the people who are new here: I’ve got a panic disorder and social anxiety. That means that I get panic attacks with and without a reason and that something as simple as complimenting someone can be extremely hard for me.

This “what if” sentence is very present in my everyday life. I always think what if when I eat and I always think it whenever I talk to people and so on. But! I do not only ask myself “what if” in kind of negative or anxious situations though. My daydreams usually start of with asking myself a “what if” question. Usually, when I am in the classroom and m thoughts start to meander off to another place I daydream about things like: “what if my favourite band would travel all the way to the Netherlands?” or “What if I get famous for some reason, what would that be like?”, and then I absolutely like asking myself “what if”. One of the big advantages of having a brain like mine is that everything I think about is visual. My imagination is wild and crazy and I can picture almost everything inside my mind with great detail. It’s a lot of fun most of the time inside my head! At least when imagining things it is, whenever I am depressed or anxious it is not fun in there of course.

One of the main situations in which I always ask myself “what if” is every evening when I decide what to wear the next day. When picking the items I want to wear I always ask myself “What if I suddenly run into Kim Kibum today, would I be embarrassed of my idol seeing me like this?” and if the answer is “yes” I change the look, if the answer is “no” I can go to sleep. Of course I know it will never ever eveeeer happen that I run into Key, but you never know! (ha ha  there it is:”what if”!).

Now, of course I also use the phrase in less happy situations. I regularly ask myself: “what if I will end up alone and unloved? What if there is nobody out there for me?” and this generally makes me really sad so I always try to avert my thoughts from this. Another quite problematic question I ask myself is “What if I get fat and won’t be able to lose weight again?”. I am really, really scared of gaining weight. It is the most horrible thing that can happen to me in my mind. Before going to sleep I also ask myself all kinds of “what if” questions. Usually, I ask myself “what if something catches on fire?” or “what if a burglar comes into my room?” and I always have to think of the routes I can use to get out of the house, otherwise these thoughts will turn into a panic attack for sure.

There it is! Day eleven.
Thank you so much for reading and do not forget to check out my instagram as well.
As always I hope you enjoyed reading my article and see you tomorrow!

Lots of Love,




3 thoughts on “what if…

  1. wow, I felt a lot of similarities while reading this post. I’m a huge “what if” and visual person as well. Queen of planning outfits the day before, terrified of gaining weight, anxiety, the whole bit. surprisingly though, it was nice to read that and being able to relate. hope you have a great week!

    Liked by 1 person

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