“What if” is something that’s on the top of my vocabulary list. For today’s challenge prompt I have to write a piece about something I always think “what if” about. Well, that’s pretty much everything. I think “what if” with everything I do, everything I eat, everything I write or make.
Personally, I think my “what if’s” have become my lifestyle. It does have a reason why I think “what if” all the time, though. The reason why I doubt everything I do and feel a constant bit of fear with it is because I have a panic disorder. Now, if you’ve been following my blog for a while you know that I talk about this topic ever so often. But for the people who are new here: I’ve got a panic disorder and social anxiety. That means that I get panic attacks with and without a reason and that something as simple as complimenting someone can be extremely hard for me.
This “what if” sentence is very present in my everyday life. I always think what if when I eat and I always think it whenever I talk to people and so on. But! I do not only ask myself “what if” in kind of negative or anxious situations though. My daydreams usually start of with asking myself a “what if” question. Usually, when I am in the classroom and m thoughts start to meander off to another place I daydream about things like: “what if my favourite band would travel all the way to the Netherlands?” or “What if I get famous for some reason, what would that be like?”, and then I absolutely like asking myself “what if”. One of the big advantages of having a brain like mine is that everything I think about is visual. My imagination is wild and crazy and I can picture almost everything inside my mind with great detail. It’s a lot of fun most of the time inside my head! At least when imagining things it is, whenever I am depressed or anxious it is not fun in there of course.
One of the main situations in which I always ask myself “what if” is every evening when I decide what to wear the next day. When picking the items I want to wear I always ask myself “What if I suddenly run into Kim Kibum today, would I be embarrassed of my idol seeing me like this?” and if the answer is “yes” I change the look, if the answer is “no” I can go to sleep. Of course I know it will never ever eveeeer happen that I run into Key, but you never know! (ha ha there it is:”what if”!).
Now, of course I also use the phrase in less happy situations. I regularly ask myself: “what if I will end up alone and unloved? What if there is nobody out there for me?” and this generally makes me really sad so I always try to avert my thoughts from this. Another quite problematic question I ask myself is “What if I get fat and won’t be able to lose weight again?”. I am really, really scared of gaining weight. It is the most horrible thing that can happen to me in my mind. Before going to sleep I also ask myself all kinds of “what if” questions. Usually, I ask myself “what if something catches on fire?” or “what if a burglar comes into my room?” and I always have to think of the routes I can use to get out of the house, otherwise these thoughts will turn into a panic attack for sure.
There it is! Day eleven.
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As always I hope you enjoyed reading my article and see you tomorrow!
Lots of Love,